I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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