I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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