my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
