Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
