I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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