He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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