i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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