Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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