He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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