alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
