i just wanna soil my oats bro
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
