Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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