Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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