I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
