I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
