I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
