So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My dick has a subreddit
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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