Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
