dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
