You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So squirting runs in the family.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
