Don't you send me to vm
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The uberlube is also flammable
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
