This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I looked at my own cervix.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
