his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I need moral support for this bender
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
