Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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