I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just invented taco cereal.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
