I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
