had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
