just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why can't burritos get me drunk
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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