My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
