So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
