I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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