You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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