im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
