I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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