I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
