Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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