Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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