I wish I could punch you in the face.
wanna go halves on a baby?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
