when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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