He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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