Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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