I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
