I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
