I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
