I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
