This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
