I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
