So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
