So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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