Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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