her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
