Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
