I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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