Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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